A lover's guide to being a hater
Valentine’s Day texts to send to people you hate
Lovers, rejoice! Valentine’s Day is right around the corner. So if you’re in a relationship and haven’t yet made a dinner reservation, you’ve fucked up. Start searching Tiktok for “creative low-budget date ideas” and prepare to discuss the roots of your lack of adequate planning skills in your next therapy session.
Anyway, I love Love (Libra sun, Taurus rising, Venus birth chart ruler) so Valentine’s Day is, like, kind of my thing? But I’m the first to admit that being in a happy, healthy relationship and talking (or even worse, writing) about Valentine’s Day is textbook cringe and the stuff brands are ruined by. I love Ben but he will NOT ruin my brand!!
So instead, I’ve put together a very special seasonally-appropriate guide (reluctantly, I must acknowledge that it’s in the same vein as the recent etiquette article from The Cut) to texting people you hate on the holiday that’s all about love.
You should text these people on Valentine’s Day because:
They will not expect to hear from you, so when they see your name pop up on their screen, they’ll assume you’re contacting them to say something sweet or suggest turning over a new leaf. Of course, you will know the exact opposite is happening and, thus, retain the upper hand
Celebrating holidays the way they’ve always been celebrated is gauche
It’s still Aquarius season (i.e. see the above)
Being petty toward someone you hate on a day that’s all about love is an act of self-love, so technically you are celebrating Valentine’s “the right way” (if that matters to you)
Maybe it goes without saying, but receiving a mean text on Valentine’s Day is at least 6x more devastating than receiving a mean text any ole day of the year, so please exercise adequate discretion when doling your comeuppance.
So without further adieu, here’s a list of some people you might hate (who you’d want to remind of your hatred on a strategic day) and texts I recommend sending them:
Your former coworker who rejected your (consensual) advances
“That green sweater you always wear is from Shein, right?”
Your ex situationship
“The vintage jewelry seller at the Los Feliz flea market is retiring and moving to Santa Barbara.”
Your ex situationship who is in a band
Option 1: If the band is bad
“[Other person in their band] looks soooo much like Matty Healy”
Option 2: If the band is good
“your last single sounds just like that one The 1975 song”
Your current partner who doesn’t appreciate you
“be home soon. buying the couples pack of We’re Not Really Strangers at Target.”
Your in-laws who lowkey hate you
“Haven’t told anyone else yet but… we’re due in July!!*”
*insert at least 9 emojis and send using the “Invisible Ink” feature
Someone you know IRL who just unfollowed you on IG/Twitter/Tiktok:
“OMG - my last [reel/tweet/tiktok] was just reposted by Rihanna!!!! thx for letting me use that high school picture of you xx”
Your landlord:
“Just wanted to make sure you got my exterminator request?”*
*Send after pouring hot oil down your kitchen sink
The social media manager of the astrology app Co-Star:
“found this Vice article, made me think of you:
96% of Zoomers absolutely hate cryptic, faux-philosophical astrology memes, According to a recent UK study”
The Tiktok on-the-street reporter who “accidentally” got you doxxed:
“my mom is OBSESSED with your new series. all her friends on Facebook love it too!”
The ringleader of Hailey Bieber’s cult following, Hailey Bieber:
“hey girlie!! wasn’t Justin just spotted leaving K*nye’s studio?”
Happy hating!
xo