Evelyn for President
Why the first female president should be a 16 year old girl
There are approximately zero accounts on Tiktok that I would deem unequivocally iconic… until I met Evelyn.
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Of course I haven’t actually met Evelyn, but ever since grown adults started dueting her Tiktoks last week, I have been obsessed. Actually, obsessed is an egregious understatement. If Evelyn started a cult, I would be honored to become her first member.
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Essentially, Evelyn hops on Tiktok on a seemingly daily basis to call out all the things she hates, things she finds annoying, things she says are red flags, etc. all in a GRWM style format (exclusively using trendy brands and products). I have so many questions for Evelyn, and yet, I know she would answer none of them. In fact, I’m positive she wouldn’t even talk to me, which makes me love her even more.
I think Evelyn is 16, but she could just as easily be 65. She has the cold, ruthlessness of someone who was either born after 9/11 or fought in the Vietnam war.
I find Evelyn is so magnetic and mesmerizing because she is an unapologetic hater. In a cultural climate where far too many people are either spiteful haters (who want something other people have) or passive aggressive haters (in denial of their haterdom), standing in defiance of both of those worlds is Evelyn. This is one of the many strengths of a teenage girl with a smartphone and $500 worth of beauty products from Sephora: if she hates something, God Damnit, she is going to say it with her chest.
And honestly, Evelyn makes great points! When you compliment someone’s jeans and they reply saying they “don’t remember” where they got them, it really is a red flag!!
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Because we all know that teenage girls have the capacity for terrorism and the diplomacy for politics, I believe Evelyn should run for president in 2024. Nothing would give me more joy than seeing Evelyn meet Joe Biden. Witnessing this tiny hater hopelessly trying to comprehend how this decrepit Ghost of Christmas Past creature in front of her (a reference she would never understand) is someone she should care about would revive my never-existent faith in the United States of America. Here are some acts I believe Evelyn would pass within her first 6 months of being President:
Add “Cheugy” to the Oxford English Dictionary
She does not care that the OED is not controlled by the United States Government.
Make being cheugy illegal
As an addendum to the first act and/or an executive order depending on the party rule of the Senate.
Everyone over 25 is mandated to immediately relocate to a retirement home
Every retirement home is sponsored by Drunk Elephant and Juvederm.
The National Anthem is now “Boys a Liar Pt. 2” by Pink Panthress ft. Ice Spice
Drake is deported back to Canada for his tumultuous history with the featured artist of the new National Anthem.
Lana Del Rey is the new Secretary of State
No explanation needed.
Add ring lights to every room of the White House
Her first Presidential Tiktok will be a GRWM in the Oval Office where she’ll cover why bipartisanship is a red flag.
All Tiktok sounds will granted a temporary Presidential Seal of Approval, subject to removal at any time and for any reason
89% are guaranteed removal within 4 weeks of peak viral status.
Her religion teacher will be charged in the Supreme Court for “Crimes Against Evelyn”
The new and most frequently used charge in the continental United States (she hasn’t realized Hawaii exists yet).
Being blonde is now illegal
Only Evelyn can be blonde *
*Subject to review once the Vogue F/W2025 Trend report has been released.
All student loans are forgiven
Evelyn is a woman of the people.
I’ll vote for her twice!