PUMPTINI!!!
My last ditch attempt to get you all to tune into VPR...
I’ve been in the throes of a Vanderpump Rules Rewatch and it still baffles me how people ((Ben)) have yet to fall in love with the existential chaos of this quintessential reality TV delight. A perfect example of why VPR has been a true cult classic turned mainstream sensation is this iconic James Kennedy scene.
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The first 4 seasons of VPR have all the beloved strife of a Shakespearean play: betrayal, incest (of the friend-group variety), servants, brawls between brethren, a European matriarch, and a maximum of exactly one Black person. To not revel in this combination of action, heart, and scandal goes against all basic instincts to witness the human experience.
But because it is equal parts potentially impossible and not worth my time to attempt to convince all of you to watch this show, I thought it might be more impactful to draw real world comparisons between the OG cast of Vanderpump Rules to people and phenomena in your everyday life. And if I’ve convinced even one of you to tune into the show, I will have done my job.
Jax Taylor: The “Number one guy in the group”
A walking, talking chlamydia outbreak. Your local narcissist who ghosted you then asked for your best friend’s phone number (she’s married). The hot high school gym teacher who everyone wonders “Why is he single?” and then you see the mountain of empty gatorade bottles and imitation Acqua di Gio cologne in the backseat of his lifted pickup truck.
Stassi Schroeder: The “Queen Bee”
The human embodiment of the poltergeist that inhabits all 13 year old girls. Regina George if Regina George had a chin implant and a crippling Adderall addiction. Your older second cousin who you think is really cool when you’re 15 but when you turn 26 you call CPS on her for putting her 8 year old daughter on the keto diet.
Tom Sandoval: The “Star Bartender”
Kim Kardashian in this Balenciaga caution tape dress. A jazz tap teacher who spent 3 months as an understudy on Broadway and always mentions it in conversation. The prettiest cupcake in the grocery store bakery.
Kristen Doute: The “Crazy ex-girlfriend”
Your chain smoking aunt who was arrested for slashing her first husband’s tires and somehow always has a new, hot boyfriend. The immediate chill down your spine when you enter a reportedly haunted location. Playing Russian roulette with the “empty” chambers full of nuclear bombs.
Tom Schwartz: The “Charming Tom”
A black bear with the playful, loving spirit of a golden retriever. The phrase “Instagram model.” Whatever causes Type 2 diabetes.
Katie Maloney: The “Sidekick slash Cheatee”
Being in the good graces of the middle school math teacher. Wearing a cute black dress on a 98° day. A lactose intolerant person with IBS who eats ice cream then is baffled by their violent diarrhea.
Scheana Shay: The “New Girl”
A Starbucks unicorn frappuccino. Your coworker who messages you “Happy Friday!!” every single week. The embroidered message pillow section of Home Goods.
Ariana Madix: The “Cool Girl”
Listening to P!nk’s “Stupid Girls” during 2006-2008. Faded finger mustache tattoos on OG Brooklyn hipsters. Cutting vintage jeans into high waisted distressed shorts and being really active on Tumblr.
James Kennedy: The “Bad Boy/DJ”
Literally any guy on Love Island (UK) that immediately starts chatting up the newest bombshell. A 4am text that says “U up?”. “Tell your boyfriend if he says he’s got beef, that I’m a vegetarian and I ain’t fucking scared of him!”