Return of the stack
"I bet you thought you'd seen the last of me"
Hi baby gorgeous, it’s been literally a full month since I’ve written to you and I’m simultaneously sorry and not at all sorry, because I have been double vaxed/sick/period/in japan/recovering from jet lag – in that order. And more importantly, 2 weeks in Japan = 2 weeks of missing so much TV, so many Tiktoks, and so much overall nonsense that I needed at least another week to catch up. But I’m here now, I’m caught up, and I’m ready to talk some shit.
Ciana’s No-nonsense Nefarious Mostly Non-network Television November
Now Viewing: The Golden Bachelor
Many people tell me that I should watch the latest reality TV show because they know my brand very well, and usually I happily, immediately comply. The Golden Bachelor was a bit of a hard sell to me though. Not because I hate old people, but because I’ve never seen a single episode of The Bachelor proper, so the fact that there was a new season featuring an older dating pool and eponymous bachelor wasn’t particularly interesting to me. If I didn’t want to watch a group of young women date one guy on a network TV dating show, “But what if they were old?” wasn’t the switch-up required to entice me. “What if they were all former Olympic athletes?” Maybe. “What if they were all puppeteers?” Absolutely.
Of course, since I am a diligent cultural commentator, I eventually took the bait and watched. I’m happy to report it was a great decision. TLDR, the most important takeaway is:
Let old people be slutty.
It is sincerely baffling to me how The Golden Bachelor operates as a medium within which to get to know someone. Every single date with our literally Golden bachelor Gerry goes something like this,
Gerry: “I remember you told me you have two daughters and four grandchildren”
Woman: “You are the nicest man in the world, I swear. And I never thought someone would say those things to me since my husband passed away! I wasn’t ready for love for so many years but now, I finally am… and it’s all because of you. You’re the most special man I’ve met in a very long time. I think I’m falling in love with you.”
Gerry: “That makes me feel so special. Thank you”
*They start making out*
This is BARELY an exaggerated account of these conversations. Neither Gerry nor the women ask each other questions… ever. I don’t understand how they can be getting to know each other at all! At every turn, they simply bombard him with compliments and then he starts making out with them. Although I’m a new viewer, it’s always been clear to me that to be a Bachelor, you have to in some way be a fuck boy. And Gerry is absolutely in his fuck boy era.
Imagine if you told your on-again, off-again Raya situationship, “I’m falling in love with you” and he said in response, “That makes me feel so special”.... !!! You would be d e c e a s e d. And rightfully so!
Of course Gerry is not indebted to reciprocate any feelings but let’s be for real, homeboy is playing the field like he’s being scouted for a scholarship. The Golden Bachelor is the best proof I’ve ever seen that no matter your age, gender, sexual orientation, etc. everyone is just horny. And that’s okay.
Now Viewing: Real Housewives of Salt Lake City
If you’ve never watched middle aged moms get into a screaming fight about whether one of their mother’s is actually emotionally abusive at a sound bath, tune into Peacock on Wednesday nights for RHOSLC! Between the whole cast there are approximately 30 syringes of juvederm, 300 individual actions that could lead to someone being “kicked out” of a restaurant by “security,” and exactly one woman who married her step-grandpa. A Shakespearean drama.
Now Viewing: Selling Sunset (S7)
At this point, they barely even sell houses on this show. They just wear the most ridiculous clothing to sit at a desk for a couple hours per week, go to lunch in Beverly Hills, and then party in Cabo. The most interesting thing that’s happened since Christine Quinn left is Chrishell and Marie-Lou (“Oppenheim Group”co-founder and co-twin Jason’s 20-years-younger-than-him girlfriend) arguing about whether Chrishell is actually nice to Marie-Lou, while Jason is dialed into the conversation for no reason. Watching Selling Sunset is like getting a temporary lobotomy, which is self care.
Expect regularly scheduled programming from this day forward! xoxo