to spit or shit on their grave

revenge served 2 ways

A few months ago, Ben and I were in Palermo having an aperitivo (chic, worldly) before dinner and saw a man cross the street in front of a truck, turn back and yell at the driver, then spit at him. After this interaction, he continued to the restaurant we were sitting outside of and cheerfully greeted the restaurant owner – perhaps a worse reflection on the owner’s judgment than her potentially angry cohort. In the moment I was shocked, but then I became increasingly intrigued at the dynamics at play. The truck driver didn’t seem particularly enraged by being spit at, and clearly the spitter was entirely unfazed. This seemed to be an everyday party of his life, like me spending 20 minutes watching Tiktoks about people with naturally clear skin’s double cleansing routines and hating myself.

As we drank our subpar spritzes, we pondered why spitting on/at someone is so offensive in the first place. Obviously it’s gross to have a stranger’s spit on you, but technically speaking it’s not inherently that bad. Afterall, many people consensually spit in each other’s mouths during sex, spit-shakes are regularly scheduled programming in childhood friendships, and although not spitting per se, we do spread our saliva all over envelopes (which seems unnecessary in the year 2024).

Spitting sensitivity is particularly reflective of a Western world perspective. In North India, the practice of lightly spitting to the side of someone is known as a way to guard them against evil forces and “buri nazar” (in Hindi, this is essentially the evil eye), while across the entire country spitting in public is a publicly accepted, inoffensive act. If you take a trip over to the home of their previous colonizers, however, spitting on the football pitch is categorized as “a violent behavior” by FIFA and the International Football Association Board. 

But enough about research. Mine and Ben’s conversation that night in Palermo did not simply end at spit, my dear reader. It continued on to a much deeper question that I’m here to bravely discuss: 

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Is it more disrespectful to spit on someone’s grave or to shit on it? 

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***BEFORE you start sending me hate mail about “blah blah blah catholicism my grandma etc”, let me remind you that I am a gorgeous young enchanting modern day philosopher and this is literally my job that you’re yelling at me for doing.***

Exhibit A: The Spit

If you haven’t watched Flavor of Love, I’m begging you to do so, but I will give you a brief synopsis of the show’s finale episode: rapper Flava Flav is about to pick his new love interest after weeks of dozens of girls (for whom he’s given nicknames because learning their actual names would make it harder to objectify them), and it’s down to Pumpkin, New York, and Hoopz. After Pumpkin is eliminated, she starts fighting with Flav and brings New York into the conversation. The rest is history. 

 

In this situation, it’s almost impossible not to be against the spitter, Pumpkin. The audacity to spit ON another human being is a power I can only wish to wield!! It’s a bold move, but a terrible one on so many levels.

Now, let’s present exhibit B from The White Lotus season 1 finale *spoiler alert*

Exhibit B: The Shit

Objectively: hilarious. Subjectively: not that disrespectful? Maybe I’m lighthearted about the potential fecal quality of my theoretical suitcase, but if I made someone hate me so much they pulled down their pants and forced feces out of them and into my suitcase, I would just have to laugh. And the same goes for someone shitting on a grave. 

Picture this: You’re in a cemetery, perhaps mourning or perhaps passing through, and you look to your left, seeing a grown adult pulling their pants down, squatting, and shitting on someone’s grave. Are you enraged? Are you horrified? Or are you thinking, “well I don’t know what’s going on here but I think they might have deserved this”? 

Now picture this: You’re in a cemetery, doing whatever you’re doing (that’s none of my business), and you look to your left, seeing a grown adult conjuring up a wad of spit and projecting it upon someone’s grave. Are you enraged? Are you horrified? Are you thinking, “honestly that is pretty fucked up”? 

Taking the time and effort to shit on someone’s grave implies a long history of betrayal and deceit, or an act by the deceased that requires a special type of revenge whereby the revenger is willing to put themselves into a vulnerable and literally exposed position in a public place to make sure justice is served. But spitting on someone’s grave? It’s cowardly, lazy, and lacking the gravity of a revenge that requires any kind of self-sacrifice. Spitting on someone’s grave reflects more poorly on the spitter than the spittee, while shitting on someone’s grave reflects far more poorly on the shitted than the shitter. 

Any revenge worth doing is worth doing well, strategically, and while emptying your bowels. Use this information however you’d like.